Floss

I like nice teeth. When I see a girl with nice teeth, I appreciate her. Even if she isn't beautiful otherwise the teeth show me a lot about her. I can know that she likes to take care of herself and has enough work ethic to complete a 30 second to one minute task.

This might seem trivial, but have you ever seen a person with really yellow teeth with plaque crusted all over each tooth like moss growing on a tree? It's tragic because their lack of dental hygiene doesn't affect the world as much as it does them. All day long they have to taste saliva that's like a sauce of gingivitis and cankers, and I bet it changes the way their food tastes. All because they're too lazy to brush and floss. You don't want to meet people like this, ever.

Like I said, I appreciate people with nice teeth. You can tell right away if you're dealing with a functioning member of society or some odious character that probably sniffs their socks right after they take them off before they go to bed each night. So when I say that today I was shopping for floss, I want you to know that it was and always will be a big deal. Even though I'm not an image conscientious guy I like people to get the right impression of me.

When I got to the store I galloped right to the floss. I wasn't messing around. Even outside of the realm of floss, picking a toiletry is a major decision. If you make the wrong choice, suddenly something as inherently enjoyable as standing under a stream of hot water naked becomes dreaded. Some crappy bar of soap that leaves a weird film all over your body that takes forever to wash off, or shampoo that's so thin and impossible to get into your hair that you have to use a handful. Floss is in that same category.

So I was given a choice once I found the floss. On the one hand there was Glide. Really smooth and tinged with mint, so when you're done flossing you can ball it up and suck on it till all the flavor is gone, like a ghetto mint. On the other hand there was this generic brand floss that feels like you're shoving pieces of hay in between your teeth. It always starts to fray while you floss, and then some stupid piece gets stuck way up in the gums and you have to pull out a fresh piece of floss just to fish it out. And there's no mint flavor. You try and suck on it and you feel like you just sucked on a soggy piece of yarn. The Glide was a dollar more than the hay floss, and there was 54 yards of Glide as opposed to 100 yards of hay floss (which to me is a downside, since that means I'm stuck with the hay floss for twice as long). So I bought the Glide.

I don't want to seem like I'm a spendy brat, because I'm not. Consider this: if you were given the choice to have a lavish marriage ceremony to a beautiful girl that you loved, or to elope with some dude for free, what's the better choice? Sure, the life that I'll spend with Glide will be half as short as the life I could have spent with hay floss, but I feel like I made the right choice.